Unfortunately, society seems to have condemned transactional relationships. This condemnation is due to twisting of words and meanings, leading to a false understanding of the term. If someone told you that you should buy gifts for your partner, you should take them on dates, or that you should spend time with them, you would accept that. You wouldn’t think “I can’t buy them a gift everyday!” “I can’t take them out all the time!” “I can’t spend all my time with them, I have to work” – Read more about that last one here.
Put simply, being transactional in your relationship does not mean that ‘person A’ spent $11.25 on a gift so now ‘person B’ needs to do something worth $11.25 for ‘person A’. Instead it means that each person is providing a similar amount of value in the relationship. We can explore this further below.
Table of Contents
Transactional Relationships are about Equality
Could you be happy in a relationship where you are consistently putting in more effort, care, and time than the other person? Over time, I’d assume this would weigh on you in a spiteful way no matter who you are. Furthermore, if you are in that scenario, I believe you should leave and find someone who is going to put up equivalent efforts.
If you think you could do/are doing this and remain happy, I challenge you to think if your relationship is actually imbalanced.
When I say transactional and imbalanced, I am referring to all factors – not just financial factors or their actions. Assume ‘Person A’ covers all expenses and organizes elaborate dates, all the while ‘Person B’ does not contribute financially or plan events. That does note mean this is a poor relationship inherently and does not mean this is a non-transactional relationship. What determines that is what ‘Person A’ does get out it.
If ‘Person A’ is with the most attractive and supportive person they could imagine, and those are things they value, then it is possible that no amount of funding or event planning would tip the scale too far. In fact, ‘Person A’ may still feel that it is a non-transactional relationship as they are getting spoiled and can’t ever compensate enough for having ‘Person B’ in their life.
Furthermore, it is possible that this is a non-transactional relationship where ‘Person B’ is unsatisfied. The root of the entire conversation comes down to who values what, and are they getting/giving that.
A good relationship is one where each person provides what the other person values.
~ Yours Truly
Clarity of Expectations
Another benefit of transactional relationships is the clear expectations that are in place that build trust and dissuade doubt.
Have you ever been asked “why do you even like me?” or a question of the like? While this may occasionally be asked for fun or as a joke, I believe the more common background to this question is doubt. This doubt has come from a lack of communication and expectations. As sweet and bubbly as “Because you’re amazing” is, the lack of objectivity does little to build confidence and understanding. Some times, this goes to the extreme and people overthink the fact that the other doesn’t have a good reason to be with them or would be better off elsewhere.
Instead of the bubbly common response, imagine explaining the transactional values that they provide to you, giving an objective reason for them to grab and understand they are worth your time.
Examples
- You are attractive
- You help me focus
- You make me feel secure
- I have a fun time when we hang out
- You’ve help my professional agenda
- You listen to what is on my mind
- You speak what is on your mind
- You’ve helped me in numerous times of need
- We’ve been through a lot so now I feel close to you
- You are all of these things wrapped up in a single person
The outcome of a response like this helps the individual understand what is expected of them, why they are valued, and if they feel those values they provide are on par with the values they receive. There is less guessing, less emotional imbalance, both parties know why they fit well and what they need to do to remain valued/grow in value as well as how to make the other person feel valued. This is the foundation to a strong yet transactional relationship.
Position and Reduction of Goal Interference
Another benefit of transactional relationships is how clearly your position is defined. Through understanding what the other person values, you know not to push your luck in certain areas and where you might have an edge.
Assumptions
- Person A
- Is an athlete who has trained his whole life honing his mind and body to perform fantastical feats on the football field. His success is one of his key values and being known as a loving and supportive partner is another.
- Person B
- Is a fashion icon who values personal time and going out to events and dinners for social engagement and networking.
It is during the football season and ‘person A’ is busy getting ready for a game. Meanwhile ‘person B’ is bored and has been sad recently because they haven’t been out in a while.
Should ‘Person B’ decide to push ‘Person A’ to go out? Should she guilt him into doing what she wants, internal conflict is likely to arise. ‘Person B’ knows how important success and preparation is for ‘Person A’. Despite that they are deciding that their values are more important than those of ‘Person A’.
Benefits of Transactional Relationships
If this couple had a conversation about being in a transactional relationship and what their values are, ‘Person B’ would understand that pushing this is likely to drive a wedge between the two of them. They would be asking ‘Person A’ to sacrifice their personal goals for the benefit of ‘Person B’.
To be clear, this is not always an issue. In fact, if ‘Person B’ is going through a particularly rough time or doesn’t regularly request this increased value from ‘Person A’, it may make sense for ‘Person A’ to do what is best for the relationship and for ‘Person B’. This would play into his other personal value of being a good partner. Personal sacrifice to some degree is a requirement of a healthy relationship.
The awareness of position and role brought about by transactional relationships help stave off inappropriate and selfish requests, leading to stronger long term relationships. From this post on the unfairness of life, you can see how little time we have. The post also shows how much of our time is taken up by a partner. If a partner is continuously challenging your top values with theirs, the outcome of separation would not be surprising.
Need the ‘glass half full’ version? This can be flipped the other way too. In a transactional relationship, knowing the top values of your partner doesn’t only tell you when to not ask for something, but it also gives you the key. It gives you the secret ingredient for enhancing your value to them. Play into their top values, assisting with their goals and increasing their happiness. You will establish a strong foothold in their life that they will not want to give up. This will also lead to them play into your values as well. A strong transactional relationship.
Clarifications, Tips, Tricks, and Bonuses
There is no perfect relationship period – but a relationship in which you share your values and are up front about priorities can lead to something beautiful.
Transactional relationships are based on value, not $. If someone values comfort and emotional intelligence over money, then that is what their partner needs to provide for a healthy relationship. Providing money to someone with other higher values not being addressed, does not provide much value to a relationship.
Mutual benefit is the key quality of a transactional relationship. This means that each party’s values are being played into. This does not mean lacking in emotional support and “PURELY” transactional. As mentioned at the start, if you were told to spend time with your partner, you wouldn’t react with “I can’t spend all my time with them because I work!” – transactional also doesn’t mean entirely.
You should only be with someone if they are providing you value. Why would you waste your time with someone to get nothing in return? That is a bad investment. Remember – everything we should do is selfish at the root.
If transactional relationships are so good and essential, how do people ‘fall into’ good relationships? Well many happy relationships are transactional even if the partners wouldn’t give it that title. Additionally, there is one key that makes transactional relationships easy to gauge: happiness. Early on in a relationship, you should be able to feel how happy it makes you. This one emotion is a good summation to determine if you are in a state of transactional balance. Put simply, follow happiness and you will likely end up in a transactional relationship! Understanding the concept just makes it easier to identify the right person and relationship quicker!
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